One year ago
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Brendan and Ste both remember this time last year. A two part one shot
1. Chapter 1

**One year ago **

**Brendan's point of view **

A year ago today I had it all; everything that I ever wanted was in my reach. It was supposed to be a fresh start, the beginning of the rest of my life and what did I do? I messed it all up like I did every time before. It only seemed like yesterday I had told him, voiced my true feelings….

"I love ye Steven…..that's what I didn't tell ye….I love ye"

He was trying to be strong, stubborn to the end.

"Well, it's too late"

Only it wasn't too late, I opened up to him even more and he seemed to melt into me, I could see by the look in his eyes that he was just as desperate for me as I was for him. He tried to leave but I stopped him, I couldn't let him go, not again.

"Don't!"

He didn't sound convincing, but I wasn't going to take any chances.

"I want ye Steven….tell me ye want me….please."

If only I could go back to that day, I'd put it right, I wouldn't care that Eileen walked in, found us lying together, hot, sweaty and breathless. I mean fucking hell hasn't the woman ever heard of knocking? I did what I had always done and I denied him yet again.

"Oh great Brendan…you just broke that promise in record time!"

I promised him that it would be different, that I would be different; but the truth was, I just wasn't ready, at least not for my wife to know. He was done being hidden, he wanted us to be like any other couple but it was all happening too fast and I just couldn't keep up. He must have felt humiliated when I chose her feelings over his, why did I even do that when he meant so much more to me?

Loving him was easy, it came natural to me but having everyone else know that I loved another man, especially Eileen and my Kids made me feel sick. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong, that my Kids would think less of me and I couldn't deal with that. The problem wasn't with everybody else though, it was with me, why was I so cowardly? Why did I keep pushing him away? But I didn't think that I would lose him, even then I thought that he would come back and that I would be able to talk him round. I wanted to be with him, I really did, I just didn't want my Kids knowing. They already felt bad of me for hurting their Ma, they didn't need to know that their Da was queer as well.

I wanted to keep Steven and my Kids separate from each other, was that really so bad? I didn't think so, until Steven came to the club telling me that he was going away with the Kids and I saw the hurt in his eyes. I'm sure my heart broke just looking at him. He left but I still couldn't leave it, he was defeated, he had completely lost faith in me and I had no one to blame but myself. I was so selfish with him.

"I don't want ye leaving like this"

"Like what?"

"Angry with me"

He told me that he was always angry with me and he was, but what did I expect? I always let him down.

"What about us?" I asked him.

"Us? There is no us anymore right, get it in to your head, there is no us!"

But still I couldn't leave it there, I then made another massive mistake, I told him I would go to Florida with him and all the Kids.

"That's just more empty promises innit?"

"Yeah well I could um…I could surprise ye"

"You haven't got the guts!"

He knew I would let him down, he didn't know for sure and part of him still hoped that I would meet him. He hoped that we would be together and live happily ever after but of course it wasn't meant to be and I just disappointed him even further. If only I knew then what I know now, things would be so different, they would be perfect because we would be together and for nearly two years that is all I have ever wanted, regardless of the mess I've made of things.

July 29th 2011 was the best and worst day of my life. The best because I'd got him away from Noah and back into my arms, how I've missed him being there and the worst because I lost him all over again. I didn't realize back then but I hadn't just lost him, I'd lost him for good. That was the last time that I would ever call him mine, the last time I would ever feel his beautiful soft skin, the last time I would kiss him and for it to mean something and the last time to touch and devour every part of him.

I didn't just lose him that day; I also lost a part of myself. I can remember thinking that nothing would ever be right again and without him, it wasn't. My life just got worse, I got worse and no matter how many times I have tried to put it right between us I always mess it up. Not only does he hate me but now I have to watch him be with someone else. I wonder if he remembers the date and thinks of me too? I ruined and lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.

How I wish that today, was one year ago.

**Please review :) xxxxxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**One year ago **

**Ste's point of view**

A year ago today I really thought that I was finally going to get my man, the love of my life; I should have known that it was just wishful thinking, that I was living in a dream world. He has always let me down, filled my life with empty promises and broke my heart over and over. I should have known that this time would be no different from the rest; he split me and Noah up and for what? I suppose he did me a favour really, I would have risked losing my Kids for someone that would have cheated on me anyway. When I found out the truth about him setting Noah up with Sean, I decided to stay away from him, I mean he would never change, he would always interfere with my life, especially when he wasn't involved. But he came looking for me; I was in price slice when he found me.

"Hey, didn't see ye there"

"Stop stalking me!"

"I think we need a chat, in private please"

"And don't speak to me right, just do one"

"Steven, I'm going but maybe I never told ye how I really feel, I mean…really…feel"

He was clever, he knew exactly what to say to get me to go to him, how could I not? I wanted to know how he felt about me, he had never told me before, not really. I loved him so much, more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I thought was even possible. I desperately wanted him to feel the same, he knew that. I went to his flat, I couldn't help myself. He must have felt so smug when he saw me standing there at the door.

"And here's me thinking ye meant what ye said at the shops"

"It doesn't matter that you've never told me how you really feel, it doesn't, because I will always, always hate you now"

"Did you come all the way up here just to tell me that, or are ye gonna come in?"

Of course I was going to go in, for the past ten months all I'd ever wanted to hear was how he felt about me, I wasn't going to walk away now. He wanted to tell me how he felt but somehow I ended up talking first, he was always good at turning things round. I knew from then on that he was never going to leave me alone, not ever. In his eyes I would always belong to him. I had to get out of there.

"I just need to get on with my life and you need to stop trying to control me"

And then he told me, he said the words I'd been longing to hear.

"I love ye Steven…that's what I didn't tell ye…I love ye"

"Well, it's too late.."

If it was too late I wouldn't even be there would I? I don't really know why I tried to leave again; maybe I was scared that if I let myself believe it that it would turn out to be another lie. We had been through so much together, I didn't know if I could cope with anymore disappointment, it hurt too much. But he just seemed so convincing this time, I had never seen him be so open and honest with his feelings, it was as if he was bearing his soul to me. The more I tried to back away the more determined he seemed, he wasn't going to give up on me but then I didn't want him to, not really.

"I've gotta go!"

"Every day till I'm in my grave you'll always be in my head Steven, you don't believe what I'm promising you? Then go ye know where the door is, go!"

"But you won't stop hiding though"

"Ye take me back and I promise I will, I promise!"

"I can't"

"Yeah, yeah you can"

"I can't"

I don't think I had even seen him look so genuine and as usual I found him so hard to resist. I can remember how drawn I felt to him, his eyes looked so deeply into mine. I had to kiss him; I thought that I would die if I didn't. He had the ability to make me so happy and when we were this way together he did. I thought that this was it, that he was going to give me all the things I'd asked of him, I thought we were going to be the proper couple that I'd always wanted us to be. But I had too much faith in him and my dreams were shattered once more. It had been at the hands of Eileen, and although I shouldn't blame her part of me still does, who knows what could have been if she hadn't walked in on us that day. Who knows where we'd be if he hadn't denied me again, if he'd of been proud to be with me, if he'd only come out of the closet sooner.

I often think what might have been, maybe I'm just hurting myself by doing it but I can't help it. He is still a part of me, he always will be. So much has happened between us since then though; I've finally found someone who isn't ashamed to be with me, who doesn't hurt me and who never lets me down. So then why has today affected me so much?

July 29th 2011 was a day I will always remember no matter what. It was the day my first true love told me he loved me, but the last time he ever touched me. He broke his promise to me in record time; I knew that there was no going back. Even when he suggested coming to Florida, I knew he wouldn't, I knew he would let me down again. He wasn't ready to be with me, and the sad thing is he really wanted to be. I'd be lying if I said I was over him, sometimes I wish I could go back and do it all again knowing what I know now. He made me happier than I've ever been.

How I wish today was one year ago.

**Please review :) xxxx**


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